"I am the light of the world: He who follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Tomorrow is Collins’ first birthday.  There will be no smash cake.  No family party.  Not a single candle will be lit.  We won’t gather around to sing an off-pitch birthday tune.  But there will be smiles.  There will be JOY. There will be a celebration.  Together, Tien and I will celebrate HER.  Celebrate her legacy.  That her life matters.  Celebrate that she is indeed a princess, in a kingdom far greater than described in any fairytale.  We will celebrate, that because of Jesus, we will be able to spend an infinite number of birthdays with her. 

Collins Grace was born on March 4th.  As I said at her service, March 4th has always been my favorite date.  It is the only date all year that gives you a directive-MARCH FORTH.  It commands you to take action.  Through this journey, Tien and I have clung to this phrase and used it as our mantra.  No matter the obstacle, no matter the mountain, armed with our faith and the support of our loved ones, we have continued to march forth. We have stumbled.  We have felt like giving up.  But we know that she is  in Heaven, shining her love on us,  and rooting for us to prevail. 

When your child passes, you think there are no more stories to share.  You don’t get to show off pictures and tell about the funny (or frustrating) thing they did that day.  You think their story ends.  But then I realized her story does not have to end.  Her story will carry on through us.  And through those that knew her. Her story just takes a different route.  And that is okay. I have thought long and hard about how I wanted to celebrate her first birthday.  I wanted to do something that would honor her and share her story. I also wanted to do something that was sustainable.  A tradition that will continue with each birthday.  That we can include our future children in.  

We have always said she was the sunshine of our lives.  Through this process, I have learned that on some days you just have to create your own sunshine.  I have also learned that it is hard to be sad when doing something nice for someone else.  From those two lessons an idea was born.  So on her birthday, Tien and I will take the day off work and spend the entire day spreading sunshine by completing random acts of kindness. We will be sending sunshine cards in the mail, leaving sunshine packages on doorsteps, and dropping off cookies to several locations and individuals that have supported us along our journey.  After each act, we will leave a card that encourages the recipient to pay it forward. ( Disclaimer: We aren’t looking for donations, and everything we spend is out of our own pockets)  We just want people to know her name.  To continue her story.  And to bring a little sunshine to others along the way. 

So on this day, I encourage all of you to spread a little sunshine.  Hug your babies tight.  Be present.  Seize the day.  Laugh lots.  Choose joy. Count your blessings. March forth.    


If you would like to leave this card behind, please feel free to print off a copy.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18.
Even now I am filled with gratitude.  Here are a few things I am most grateful for (in no particular order).  

1. My husband
Two years ago today Tien and I had our first date.  Well, I thought it was a job interview.  We showed up wearing the same outfit, black pants (leggings for me, luckily not Tien), white t-shirt, and a gray cardigan.  We talked for hours and then I managed to trick him into accompanying me to Walmart to buy random items for my students.  As I look back at how we reconnected and our relationship developed, I am certain that God put him in my path and that we were supposed to be together.  I am forever grateful for that night and the many that have followed.  As we march forth on this journey, he has been there to help me pick up the pieces.  Some days he is the only thing that keeps the pieces together.  I am not quite sure where I would have ended up without this guy by my side.  It isn't often that we meet our heroes in life.  I was lucky.. I married mine.  

2. Collins Grace
As I sit at home on Thanksgiving Eve, I am reminded that this holiday season won't be exactly what I was expecting.  At this time last year, I was looking forward to having a little one to share the magic of the holidays with.  This year I am left with memories of the short time we were able to spend together.  I am forever grateful that I was able to spend 4.5 months holding, cuddling, snuggling and loving on my daughter.  I rarely put her down and she slept right beside me.  In my heart of hearts, I truly believe that her personality was designed so that I could spend as much time loving on her as possible in her short time on this earth. While I am sad that she will not be here with me this Thanksgiving, I am beyond grateful that God chose me to be her mommy.  Thank you sweet girl for making me a mommy.  For giving my life purpose.  Teaching me a kind of love that only a child can do.  For making me love your daddy even more.  For reminding me what is important in life.  For putting me through a cliff note version of nursing school.  For making me laugh and my heart truly smile.  For being my everything. My sunshine, I love you all the way up to heaven and back.

3. God
I am grateful that God sacrificed his only Son so that I will be able to spend eternity with my daughter.  He has given me the strength, courage and hope to survive this experience.  I would never say that losing Collins Grace was a blessing in disguise, but God has given me many blessings during this experience.  He has placed so many amazing people in my path that I would not have the privilege of knowing otherwise.  My faith in Him has only gotten stronger and I continue to seek a deeper relationship with Him.  He continues to guide my journey. I am so very thankful that I have a God that loves me unconditionally despite my shortcomings and allows me the ability to still have hope.  

4. Family
Tien and I have the best family.  EVER.  There is no way on earth we could have navigated this without them.  I am so grateful for my parents-they will do anything we ask without question.  They have always been a huge support system in my life and I know that I don't say it nearly enough but thank you.  I won the parent lottery (even though my 16 year old self might have disagreed).  My brother and sister(in-law) for keeping us company in the hospital and just being your amazing selves.  My in-laws for making us laugh, keeping us company, and sharing their children with us.  I am so blessed to be part of such a close family that has truly accepted me (sans culinary skills).  I think I look forward to our nephew weekends more than they do! I will always cherish the memories that I have been able to make with them.

5. Friends..that are pretty much family
To all of our friends who have been there, THANK YOU.  Words cannot begin to express my gratitude for all you have done for our family.  To all of Tien's friends who scooped me up and carried me, you have given me strength.  

6. Franklin
Thank you for making me smile when I thought I might never smile again.  You are ornery and FULL OF ENERGY but I would not change one single thing about you.    

Today has been a tough one.  Our first official holiday without Collins.  I am a huge costume fan. I don't care what the occasion is...costume party? Count. Me. In.  The first thing I did the night I found out I was pregnant was calculate my due date so that I could determine how old our baby would be for Halloween and Christmas.  Weird, I know.  But growing up there was rarely a time when I was playing that I didn't have some sort of "costume" on.  I started planning my Halloween costumes way before your typical kiddo and I did not have, nor have I had yet, one costume that has come from a store, all have been homemade.  

I have spent many hours looking at potential Halloween costumes for Collins.  Trying to find the perfect idea.  And whether Tien would admit it or not, he would have been dressing up along with us.  I realized today that her costume has been chosen for her.  And it fits her perfectly: Angel.

Love you to heaven and back.

Tien and I have learned a lot about the heart and chromosomal abnormalities over the last several months.  Way more than we ever wanted to know.  After talking to doctor after doctor about Collins, I felt completely under-educated and under prepared.  After doing much research, we needed answers regarding how we may grow our family in the future.  In May we spoke with a genetics doctor at Children's Mercy who assured us that her condition was rare and likely a "fluke" as the cells divided. Unlikely to happen again.  We left feeling fairly confident that Collins would be okay and so would our future children.  And then July happened.  Our world collapsed in a million pieces. As we began to pick up the pieces we had forgotten that Collins had a doctor appointment at KU med scheduled in mid-August.  They called to remind us.  Once again we had to relive that day and tell another person, that our beloved daughter was no longer with us.  They recommended we speak with their genetics counselor.  We agreed.  What harm could it do?  Maybe they could provide us with more answers. Maybe we could have genetic testing done to make sure that Tien and I both were not carriers of something that could be passed down to our future children.  On the day before our appointment, on the one month anniversary of Collins passing, I suffered a miscarriage.  We hadn't known we were pregnant.  It was a devastating blow to my already fragile emotional state. We decided at that point that we were not going to leave the genetics office without scheduling testing of some kind.  In the span of one month we had lost two babies.  I could not do it again.  As we shared our experiences with the counselor she recommended testing, but she also reassured us and confirmed what Children's Mercy had originally reported.  The chromosome duplication was not likely to happen a second time.  

We went back a couple of days later to give blood. Everything went smoothly. They needed two vials and were going to actually grow our chromosomes and then map all 20,000 genes.  Pretty impressive.  The next day I received a phone call. They had drawn blood in two green tubes.  They needed one green and one purple. Back we went.  This time they had one of each color; however, it was freezing and my veins were not cooperating.  3 nurses, 6 pokes, and several bruises later I had given my two vials of blood.  And then I received the second phone call.  They had lost our blood. Really?!? The test results take 6-8 weeks.  This was just prolonging our knowledge of whether we were genetically compatible to have children biologically.  So back I went.  I gave two more vials and they made sure that the blood reached its destination.  Now it was time to wait.  And wait.  And wait some more. 

The waiting paid off.  We received a phone call today from the doctor that said we are GOOD TO GO!!!! We will never be able to replace Collins, nor do we want to.  She will always be our first and we will always celebrate her life with us. But we want to give her siblings and experience the joy that only children can bring to a family. And if I have my way, there will be SEVERAL siblings and lots of joy!  

Collins Grace,
Three months ago you got your wings.  I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be grateful and feel blessed that I am your mommy and I had you for the time that I did.  The work is the same.  I choose to be grateful.  I love you all the way up to heaven and back (and I even did some squats today in your honor, though the actual boot camp instructor is a little more strict on the correct form). P.S. please send me a penny :) 
Love,
Momma

We all know the song.  Many of us have sang it.  Collins was my sunshine and could make any day brighter.  Days like today; days that are cold, dreary, and rainy.  Some moments it hits me harder than others that she is no longer here to smile one of her big smiles and make all my troubles just melt away.  After work Tien and I met with 3 ladies that are instrumental in helping us redo the waiting area and parent room in Wesley's NICU. I pulled up to Wesley and it hit me.  That punch in the gut, the feeling of dread. It was hard to breathe, knowing that I would once again have to enter this hospital without her and leave without her.  I have made this drive many times over the past few months. None of them fun. Except the first one-BABY DAY, where I was blessed to meet her for the very first time.  I entered the hospital and tried to recall the excitement and hope that I had on March 4th. I couldn't do it.  Selfishly, I wanted her here with me. As we stood in the hallway discussing the art work that will greet parents and visitors as they enter, I realized that she is still here.  Spreading her sunshine, not only to me, but to others who are facing some dark times. I was overcome with a sense of purpose and renewed fire to share her name and her story. To grow her legacy.  She will always be my sunshine.  Especially when skies are grey. And SHE inspires me to share the sunshine to lift others. If only for a moment.

so there was an eclipse of the moon this morning.  at 6 am..how do I know? because I am crazy enough to be LEAVING a bootcamp at that time.  but there is a different kind of eclipse going on here in the huynh household.  Tien CUT. HIS. HAIR.  finally.  I feel like I just got a brand new husband. I guess you could say I am having a total eclipse of the heart.  See what i did there?!?! It's early. Happy Wednesday!

Yesterday, Collins would have been 7 months old. I never thought I would wake up without her on this date. Naturally, I was sad as I awoke.  But then I heard the sound of laughter coming from our living room.  Our 5 nephews had spent the night and our new puppy was waking them up by pouncing on them.  And nibbling their ears.  I laid in bed and listened.  Laughter is good for the soul. Especially when kids are involved.  They some how know exactly what you need, even when you may not be so sure yourself.  As I came out of the bedroom, I was greeted with hugs and good mornings.  They had no idea the significance of the date.  I never imagined holding my seven year old nephew on my lap that morning instead of my seven month old daughter but God works in mysterious ways.  We may not understand His plan but we must continue to trust Him.  Even if His plan includes listening to fart noises and witnessing atomic wedgies. These days I'll take it.