Today has been a tough one.  Our first official holiday without Collins.  I am a huge costume fan. I don't care what the occasion is...costume party? Count. Me. In.  The first thing I did the night I found out I was pregnant was calculate my due date so that I could determine how old our baby would be for Halloween and Christmas.  Weird, I know.  But growing up there was rarely a time when I was playing that I didn't have some sort of "costume" on.  I started planning my Halloween costumes way before your typical kiddo and I did not have, nor have I had yet, one costume that has come from a store, all have been homemade.  

I have spent many hours looking at potential Halloween costumes for Collins.  Trying to find the perfect idea.  And whether Tien would admit it or not, he would have been dressing up along with us.  I realized today that her costume has been chosen for her.  And it fits her perfectly: Angel.

Love you to heaven and back.

Tien and I have learned a lot about the heart and chromosomal abnormalities over the last several months.  Way more than we ever wanted to know.  After talking to doctor after doctor about Collins, I felt completely under-educated and under prepared.  After doing much research, we needed answers regarding how we may grow our family in the future.  In May we spoke with a genetics doctor at Children's Mercy who assured us that her condition was rare and likely a "fluke" as the cells divided. Unlikely to happen again.  We left feeling fairly confident that Collins would be okay and so would our future children.  And then July happened.  Our world collapsed in a million pieces. As we began to pick up the pieces we had forgotten that Collins had a doctor appointment at KU med scheduled in mid-August.  They called to remind us.  Once again we had to relive that day and tell another person, that our beloved daughter was no longer with us.  They recommended we speak with their genetics counselor.  We agreed.  What harm could it do?  Maybe they could provide us with more answers. Maybe we could have genetic testing done to make sure that Tien and I both were not carriers of something that could be passed down to our future children.  On the day before our appointment, on the one month anniversary of Collins passing, I suffered a miscarriage.  We hadn't known we were pregnant.  It was a devastating blow to my already fragile emotional state. We decided at that point that we were not going to leave the genetics office without scheduling testing of some kind.  In the span of one month we had lost two babies.  I could not do it again.  As we shared our experiences with the counselor she recommended testing, but she also reassured us and confirmed what Children's Mercy had originally reported.  The chromosome duplication was not likely to happen a second time.  

We went back a couple of days later to give blood. Everything went smoothly. They needed two vials and were going to actually grow our chromosomes and then map all 20,000 genes.  Pretty impressive.  The next day I received a phone call. They had drawn blood in two green tubes.  They needed one green and one purple. Back we went.  This time they had one of each color; however, it was freezing and my veins were not cooperating.  3 nurses, 6 pokes, and several bruises later I had given my two vials of blood.  And then I received the second phone call.  They had lost our blood. Really?!? The test results take 6-8 weeks.  This was just prolonging our knowledge of whether we were genetically compatible to have children biologically.  So back I went.  I gave two more vials and they made sure that the blood reached its destination.  Now it was time to wait.  And wait.  And wait some more. 

The waiting paid off.  We received a phone call today from the doctor that said we are GOOD TO GO!!!! We will never be able to replace Collins, nor do we want to.  She will always be our first and we will always celebrate her life with us. But we want to give her siblings and experience the joy that only children can bring to a family. And if I have my way, there will be SEVERAL siblings and lots of joy!  

Collins Grace,
Three months ago you got your wings.  I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be grateful and feel blessed that I am your mommy and I had you for the time that I did.  The work is the same.  I choose to be grateful.  I love you all the way up to heaven and back (and I even did some squats today in your honor, though the actual boot camp instructor is a little more strict on the correct form). P.S. please send me a penny :) 
Love,
Momma

We all know the song.  Many of us have sang it.  Collins was my sunshine and could make any day brighter.  Days like today; days that are cold, dreary, and rainy.  Some moments it hits me harder than others that she is no longer here to smile one of her big smiles and make all my troubles just melt away.  After work Tien and I met with 3 ladies that are instrumental in helping us redo the waiting area and parent room in Wesley's NICU. I pulled up to Wesley and it hit me.  That punch in the gut, the feeling of dread. It was hard to breathe, knowing that I would once again have to enter this hospital without her and leave without her.  I have made this drive many times over the past few months. None of them fun. Except the first one-BABY DAY, where I was blessed to meet her for the very first time.  I entered the hospital and tried to recall the excitement and hope that I had on March 4th. I couldn't do it.  Selfishly, I wanted her here with me. As we stood in the hallway discussing the art work that will greet parents and visitors as they enter, I realized that she is still here.  Spreading her sunshine, not only to me, but to others who are facing some dark times. I was overcome with a sense of purpose and renewed fire to share her name and her story. To grow her legacy.  She will always be my sunshine.  Especially when skies are grey. And SHE inspires me to share the sunshine to lift others. If only for a moment.

so there was an eclipse of the moon this morning.  at 6 am..how do I know? because I am crazy enough to be LEAVING a bootcamp at that time.  but there is a different kind of eclipse going on here in the huynh household.  Tien CUT. HIS. HAIR.  finally.  I feel like I just got a brand new husband. I guess you could say I am having a total eclipse of the heart.  See what i did there?!?! It's early. Happy Wednesday!

Yesterday, Collins would have been 7 months old. I never thought I would wake up without her on this date. Naturally, I was sad as I awoke.  But then I heard the sound of laughter coming from our living room.  Our 5 nephews had spent the night and our new puppy was waking them up by pouncing on them.  And nibbling their ears.  I laid in bed and listened.  Laughter is good for the soul. Especially when kids are involved.  They some how know exactly what you need, even when you may not be so sure yourself.  As I came out of the bedroom, I was greeted with hugs and good mornings.  They had no idea the significance of the date.  I never imagined holding my seven year old nephew on my lap that morning instead of my seven month old daughter but God works in mysterious ways.  We may not understand His plan but we must continue to trust Him.  Even if His plan includes listening to fart noises and witnessing atomic wedgies. These days I'll take it.